This epic piece would be part of the reading comprehension test bank that I am offering at a fraction of the cost Pearson PLC is citing. And if they want to pay more, I’ll bring in Steve Martin to play the banjo. . .or the pineapple. It’s your state’s money. I’ll just use it to buy more books.
The song should be sung to the Charlie Daniels Band’s “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” Be sure to drop in the appropriate musical interludes for additional fun.
Please answer the questions at the end. Show your work.
I wrote this parody in twenty minutes using the actual passage from the Pearson test. There could be errors. . .on both the count of both parties. But I am handsome and charming. . .and this goes a long way in the parody business. . .
A pineapple went to New York
He was lookin’ to have some fun
Which was a real hoot, because he was just a fruit
But lookin’ to run a marathon
When he came across March hare
Just sitting on its white tail hump.
The pineapple perched on a maple stump
And said, “Hare, watch me make you jump! ”
I’ll bet you didn’t know it,
cause I’m just a tropical fruit,
but if you dare, my fine-haired. . .hare
I’ll make a bet with youts” (a Brooklyn pineapple might be funny. Work with me here)
“Now you’re a pretty good runner hare,
or at least that what I told,
but I’ve got the backing of Dole against your soul
‘Cos I think I’m faster than you”
The hare said, “My name’s Bunny;
and you must think you’re pretty sly
But, I’ll race you fruit–you’re gonna get juiced,
and we’ll be sipping Mai Tais” (to which the Moose, the Owl, and the Monkey all giggled)
Oh, March hare lace up your Pumas and watch those slippery leaves,
’cause a talkin’ pineapple ain’t natural; he must gots a-somepin’ up his sleeves.
And if you win you get the whole afternoon to gloooooooat
and the animals all get pineapple boats. . .
Well the Mare looked up to Owl and said
“Now you guys all cheer for me;
if I hear one brute root for this fruit,
I’ll set fire to this tree
And then rabbit took off with the speed of light—
a most expeditious dude—
and a hip band of rabbits started to play
A musical interlude: (And it sounded something like this)
(This would be a good place for that Jive Bunny and the Master Mixer’s track, “Swing the Mood”)
When the March hare finished running,
he thought he’d run a personal best,
but that pineapple was just sitting there
and he said, “Hare, this was just a test!” He sang:
(SPONGEBOB THEME SONG BREAKDOWN HERE)(BRING BANJOS)
Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
(Of course the audience will jump in here—go ahead and let them)
Absorbant and yellow and porous is he.
If nautical nonsense be something you wish,
then drop on the deck and flop like a fish.
The March hare licked his chops,
‘Cause that pineapple sure looked sweet,
and he skinned that pineapple bare right there,
exposing it’s tropical treat.
Monkey said, “Pineapple, come on back
if you ever wanna run again,
‘cause we’ve got a blender and Moose is on a bender
and Owl’s got a fifth of gin”
He played, “‘Lime in the Coconut’, run, fruit, run!
Pineapple’s gonna blister in the sun.
Pearson’s into testing picking up dough
New York does it make sense? No, friends, no.”
What was Jive Bunny and the Mix Masters follow up hit to “Swing the Mood?”
Name any drink that can be made with pineapple and gin.
How many “Pineapple Boats” can be made from a standard pineapple? Can the four animals in the story be served equally from the antagonist in this story?
What cereal company gave us Fruit Brute in the 1970’s?
What 1980’s alt-punk band provides the allusion, “blister in the sun” in Monkey’s refrain?
Why are you not adequately prepared to answer these questions?